Behind the scenes at a Napoles Ballet photo shoot

Normally a day at the "office" is hard, grueling, and exhausting work. However, every now and again we get to take a break from all of the hard work and do something a little glamorous.

Like have a photo shoot!

 

Here are a few behind the scene photos of our photo shoot day 

I must say though, as fun as it is to get dressed up and pose in front of a camera. It is not easy to contort your body into cool dance poses and hold it for the camera.

I was so sore the next day.....hmmm....maybe this should be my new workout plan.

Fembot Ballerinas and that dream where you're naked

Last week my friend invited me to the San Francisco International Arts Festival. She is from Estonia and was excited to see a company perform from her home country. The Cid Pearlman Performance Project (the Estonia company) was not our favorite. I like my touchy-feely modern with the best of them, but when there isn't any technique to back it up, I have a hard time enjoying it.

The show stopper for me was a Finnish group The Susanna Leinonen Company. Two tall, powerful women commanded the stage as what I can only described as "Fembot Ballerina's". They began on stage in muted light with only their silhouettes visible to the audience. They then began moving around the stage much like the street performers painted in silver who pretend to be robots for cash. I was a little unsure about the concept at first because I think we have all seen dancers as robots before, but then they began transforming their movement into this wonderful mesh of half robotic, half sultry, "I am woman" type movements. I love when I leave thinking "I want to do that!"

Also performing that evening was local San Francisco based company Post Ballet, directed by choreographer (and nicest person ever) Robert Dekkers. Post Ballet had a wonderful eclectic group of dancers which included Dominic Walsh Dance Theater dancer Domenico Luciano. Before the performance I kept seeing this guy who I told my friend "I know him from somewhere". She tried to encourage me to go up to him and ask where I knew him from but I didn't have the nerve. I knew that I knew him, I just didn't want to put myself in that awkward situation where I say "Do I know you from somewhere" and they just stare blankly at you. After seeing the bios for Post ballet I am so glad I did not approach the mystery man. Because as it turns out, I do not know him, I just know who he is. It was Dominic Walsh Dance Theater director Dominic Walsh. I imagine if I had approached him it would have ended with me feeling like I was trapped in that dream where you show up at school naked for a test that you didn't study for.

That being said, Post Ballet was beautiful and I really encourage everyone to go to see them for their next performance.  I also encourage everyone to imagine themselves as a Fembot Ballerina next time you are faced in an embarrassing situation. I bet nothing phases a Fembot ballerina!

What is it like to flip back and forth between dancer and teacher?

This week one of my students asked me "What is it like to go between being a dancer and a teacher?"  

Good question

The first part of my day I am a dancer. I do my best to learn choreography, please my director, and be the best dancer I can be. Then after rehearsals are done, I hop into my car and drive to my teaching job. In a matter of hours I go from being the one being told what to do, to the one leading my students. It has been a very unique insight into both sides of the work environment

There have been a few times recently where I have said something to a student in a strict tone, and after I said it I realized that the same thing was said to me prior in the week. This has made me very aware of the reasons why directors can be hard sometimes.

I know that when I am my hardest it is because I expect so much from my students. I know that they can deliver and I want them to succeed. I push them to be their best and I only have their best interest at heart. The days where I am not delivering as a dancer and I get "in trouble," I need to remember that the director want the piece to be a success. So I say this to myself and my students.

"The next time you feel upset because you were told you can do better, remember that you are being told this because the person in charge knows you can."

Should you lie about your height to get an audition, or tell the truth and run the risk of not bein seen?

I remember auditions working as such...An audition was posted "Seeking female dancers between (5'2"-5'5") or (5'5"-5'8")". Now I never fell in between those two height ranges so I would go to the audition and they would either look over my height and judge me based on my dancing, or tell me "You are a beautiful dancer but you are too tall and we can not hire you". The problem that I have encountered lately is that with the easy accessibility of the internet, directors are asking to review your resume before the audition. This, of course, cuts down on unqualified people auditioning, which is greatly convenient for directors, but not for someone like me.

I recently sent in my resume to a director upon his request for a winter contract. He sent me an email back saying,  "Thank you for your interest, but you do not meet the companies current height criteria." I, of course, could fudge on my resume and say that I am 5'9",which is typically as tall as a dancer can be, but the second I walk into a room the fact that my height is so extreme makes it obvious that I am NOT 5'9".

So do I lie to get my foot in the door and start off with an obvious depiction, or tell the truth and run the risk of not being seen?

I am afraid that I don't have a good answer to this problem. It is a directors prerogative to screen dancers before an audition if they so choose. However, judging dancers solely on their "stats" is not a trend I personally can get behind. My husband claims professional athletes say they are taller than they are all the time. It's just part of the game. So why can't a ballerina do the same? Finding a dance job is hard enough but of course it is kind of impossible if you are not even able to audition.

Why I never use to wear high highs.

Some of my favorite high heels

My mom told me a long time ago that I shouldn't wear high heels around ballet directors. Although I fought her tooth and nail because I wanted to look good, she was right (Thanks mom!). When directors look at me in flats they of course see that I am tall, but when they see me in high heels I am WAY TOO TALL. I finally realized that I should appear as short as possible at all times and I stopped wearing high heels. After I retired from dance I figured that I could wear anything I wanted so I gained a collection of really high heels. Now that I'm dancing again I would never wear high heels to a first meeting of a dance director, but I am also not afraid to bust out my platform heels for a night out.

My favorite pair of high heels

It occurred to me the other day that although I am a whopping 6"3" in my highest pair of heels I'm 6'6" on pointe. Now that is tall! I'm sure that dancers who are too short still have difficultly finding jobs but the problem with being tall is that no matter how good you are if there is no one to partner you a company simply can't hire you. No matter how much they may want to. Where as if you are short it my not be an ideal partnership but a short woman can partner with a tall man.

This week I was partnered by a male dancer who is shorter than I am standing flat. We made it work but it was a real wake up call as to how hard it is to partner with someone so much shorter than me. There was one moment in particular where my partner was lifting me and in order to make the correct line, that the choreographer and our director wanted,  I needed to be more sideways in the air. The problem was if I did this, my leg dragged on the ground and I was no longer in the air. My partner and I tried to be in good spirits about the pairing but there were many times where our attempts at the piece was frustrating to say the least.

After many years of not having a partner I have decided to see if I can enlist NBA player Kevin Durant as my partner. At 6'10" with a thin build and long limbs I think he would make a perfect partner for me. Now I know he would have to take a slight pay cut, but every now and again we all need to make sacrifices for the art community. WHAT DO YOU SAY KEVIN DURANT?

Finding peace with my self image

This has been a great week of self discovery for me. I had the whole week off from teaching so I was able to focus on my dancing and myself. After many years of self doubt and a detrimental self image I think I have finally come to a place that I can be at peace with who I am.

After class today, my husband and I took a hike up to the top of Mount Diablo. Something about the fresh air and looking out onto the bay from the mountain felt so calming. Normally as a dancer I am filled with feelings of self doubt and anxiousness, but today I had an overwhelming feeling of Zen.

 My poor self image, like most dancers, started in the form of body issues. When I was younger one of the most talented dancers I trained with was waif thin. I, of course, wanted to be as good as her and I got it in my head that if I was as thin as she was I would be able to equal her in talent. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

I finally got over my teenage eating issues, but my lack of self esteem always seemed to follow me. Part of being a dancer is analyzing everything about yourself, and trying to achieve physical perfection. The pursuit of perfection does not come easy, nor does it come without some emotional speed bumps. When I quit dancing I had gotten to the point that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without welling up into tears. I hated everything about myself: my body, my dancing, even who I was as a person.

What my break from dancing has taught me is that just being me is okay. Finding a way to like who I am and loving the things about myself that are unique not only makes me a better dancer but a much happier person. It is pointless for me to try to be someone else. I will never succeed, and who wants to be a second somebody else. I choose to be the first and the best "ME"....All six feet of me.

Are dancers Artists or Athletes?

Many people regard the word "athletics" in connection with being a ballet dancer to be somewhat unsavory. Yet, when I decided to begin dancing again after so many years removed, an "athlete in training" is exactly how I thought of myself. It was not easy, and still isn't for me. There are many days when I am so sore I feel physically ill and the last thing I want to do is go to class. So my husband has to act as my coach many times.

Before I started with the new company the only way I could get in a full week of classes with my teaching schedule was to attend class on Sundays, my only day off. I told my husband that no matter what I said on Sunday mornings he had to make me go to class. Thankfully, he kept his word. Most...ok, every Sunday I woke up only wanting to sleep in and relax on the couch, but he told me that I would regret not going to class and he pushed me to go. My husband was a soccer player so he understood the demands of an athlete in training. Without his help I don't know if I could have done it.

So I come to my point. Should those who work with dancers: the teachers, directors, choreographers, treat them as artists or athletes?

I am not a painter but I can imagine that a curator of an art gallery would never come up to an artist and yell "NO NO NO, this just isn't good enough! Go back and re paint that. You are better than this!" Which is of course a common type of dialog between a dancer and the person who is rehearsing them.

Much like a coach, I believe it is the job of the Artistic Director or Ballet Mistress to push a dancer to be their best. The days when you feel like you can't go on are of course the toughest but it is their job to be honest about your work and to push you to continue.

Myself and two other girls in my current company are working on a piece that is physically exhausting. We ran it all the way through on Friday and I think we all felt like we could die. It is times like these where the athlete side takes over. I can not get through the ballet in my current state so I am going to have to add cardio to my current work out routine. When I get the physicality of the ballet down I can work on the artistic side of it. But without the physical capabilities to do the ballet all the artistic pondering in the world won't make a difference.

Of course dancers are artists. We tell a story and express ourselves through the ballets we do, which is an art. Yet, we demand our bodies to do these exceptional things that can only be categorized as athletic. So we are a little of both.

I think it is the best of both worlds. I love the physical side of ballet and I love to express myself. We are artistic athletes. We go through so many of the same struggles athletes do but at the end of the day we have an artistic outlet that no other athlete has. Plus, when we work really hard we get flowers!

 

A beautiful bouquet given to me by a student and her mom

Thank you ladies!

It may be beautiful at the ballet but it's still a job

Welcome to my "office" 

This gorgeous studio is where I have been spending my mornings. It is easy to forget when you are staring at a beautiful old building with high vaulted ceilings that this is work, but at the end of the day it's still your job.

 The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of a typical office job is the morning cup of coffee at your desk. We may not have a desk, but we do have coffee in abundance.

 The coffee is a very crucial part to getting over the hump that I think we are all currently feeling. My body is tired, and I think it is trickling into my mind. The normal morning conversations for most dancers usually goes as such, "How are you?"-"I'm sore".... "I'm tired" ..."My feet hurt"...ect. All of these things are of course accurate, but for myself I can't let those thoughts overwhelm my head.

The last two days of rehearsal have not been my best, and I think it is because I am letting my mental self suck my energy. I am determined from now on to be as positive as possible. It is not the easiest thing to find your inner cheerleader, but I know she is in there and I need let her out.

When I was young I loved to play pretend, and I guess I still do. So let's play pretend. Or at least pretend  until I can find my own confidence. Tomorrow I will not be me, tomorrow I will be someone completely fabulous who even on their worst days could dance circles around any choreography.

Hmm... Let's see...


My go to girl usually is Sylvie Guillem. With her legs that go on endlessly, and her steely strength. She is as perfect as anyone gets. But with the way I am feeling right now I don't think I could do Sylvie justice. Even in my own head.

Another favorite has always been Lucia Lacarra. That woman is beautiful, but she is so soft and delicate I think I need a little diva-ness to get over this hump.









I think this time I will draw on someone who I have seen around town. She dances in San Francisco and every time I have seen her I think she has a hint of rock star about her. This week I would like a little bit of Sofiane Sylve. The woman can turn for days and has a fabulous jump, but more than that she is the type of person that commands a room. That is what I need right now. 


 Being a diva is not easy. I don't know how Cher has done it all these years. I am not typically an in your face kind of person, or an overly confident person by nature. Yet, the ballet world is hard and the "sheep" don't survive. I have spent too many years letting my self doubt get the best of me. Tomorrow at my "office" I WILL be fierce.

It's all about a maintenance routine

I just got back from a much needed massage, and it got me thinking about how important it is to maintain your body as a dancer. It's funny because if I were a professional race car driver my car would be cared for pristinely. Every inch of that car would be looked after by a team of experts with special knowledge of that particular part of the car. Yet, as dancers we sometimes neglect our instrument...our bodies. Why is that?

I think it's often that dancers are conditioned to push trough the pain. You can't be injured, so dancers tend to neglect miner pains until they become major problems. I remember as a young dancer never caring for my body until the pain was so great I couldn't stand it any more. Which is completely absurd. It is much easier to come home and ice a sore ankle, go to the chiropractor, or see a physical therapist on a semi regular basis than it is to dance through excruciating pain from an injury that was never addressed.

It is all about finding your own maintenance routine. It has taken me twenty three years of dancing to figure it out, but dancing in pain is not fun. I ice or heat everything that hurts! Even if I know its not "injured", and I go and get a deep muscle therapy massage twice a month. This has helped me so far. I am over the masochistic ballerina thing. I would prefer no pain thank you very much! I think we can all agree on that.

WEEK 1:

My first week as a contemporary artist was a very enjoyable and exhilarating experience. This is not Swan Lake and I couldn't be happier. Although I have done contemporary and modern work before, the inner workings of a contemporary company are very different from a classical one.

First of all there are fewer dancers. Apposed to the average twenty to thirty dancers that occupy a classical company we only have eight. I have a strong feeling this leads to a less competitive atmosphere and more time spent working on the art. Every first day of contracts for me in the past has had a sense of tension in the air. Who are the new dancers? Are they good? Who will be given the best roles? ect. Last week was the first time in my dancing life that the first company class was not met with a sense of tension.

Also, fewer dancers means more work for each individual dancer and less time to learn each role. We are learning so much at a very fast pace we have to stay focused on the work, and the work alone. There just isn't time to think of anything else.

My feet hurt, my body aches, and sometimes I think my brain could explode, but I could not be happier with my decision to dance again. I feel completely at home with the new movements and I welcome every challenge that is given.

AND BELIEVE ME IT IS CHALLENGING. CONTEMPORARY DANCE IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.

THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT.

I thought I would begin my blog to clarify to those who are maybe not as familiar with ballet why being a 5'11" dancer may not be a good thing. The most common response I get when I talk to people who are not affiliated with ballet about my height is "Wait..aren't dancers supposed to be tall?". Although dancers are very long limbed and give the appearance of height they are in fact of average height.

So what is the perfect ballet body? 

Wendy Whelan-NYCB

 Most classical dancers are around 5'6". So 5'7"-5'9" are considered tall and 5'3"-5'5" are considered short. Anything beyond that on either side starts becoming very problematic. Of course most people know that dancers are supposed to be thin. However, being too thin is also a problem. NYC Ballet principal Wendy Whelan has talked very openly about her frustration with being called "too thin" by critics.

Alright, we now know that you can be too tall, too short, too fat, and too thin. Whew... if that wasn't hard enough I'm not done. I could spent all day talking about the hundred things that makes dancing technically possible but that would be boring, so lets stick to the physical appearance.

 Let's talk muscles! As anyone who has seen a ballet dancer balance on on their toes with their other leg extended to their ear can imagine it takes a lot of strength to do ballet, but dancers are supposed to look ethereal. Most female classical roles are for the soft and super feminine person. Being very muscular does not fit into that feminine ideal, especial in the upper body. Most dancers are strong in their legs but problems arise when a dancer begins to look to buff. This goes for the male dancer as well. The men spend all day lifting women over their heads but you would never mistake a male dancer for a body builder.
 You may be asking yourself how do you develop the strength of a lion and keep the appearance of a swan? The answer is...IT'S HARD!



Lastly, in complete contradiction to my previous statement that female dancers are supposed to be the feminine ideal everything that makes a woman a woman...I'm talking curves...are a hindrance. Breasts and hips are a big no no in the ballet world. Barbie would not make a good ballerina.

Now of course this is all the ideal. This is not my personal opinion either. I happen to love a dancer who is different and unique. Ballet has come a long way, and more and more dancers are changing peoples perception of what is the ideal dancer.

Cheers to everyone who defies the standard look and makes dancing about just that...Dancing!